Finally A Break N Life...poem

I currently stop working at my last job due to them firing me over my attendence, and let me just say that it was totally bullshit. White ppl (some) are so fake. They act like they like you but then say negative things about you. I was a hard worker, doing the most that I can do and trying to get to know my coworkers but what I oberserved was that regardless of MY efforts, white ppl are just too culturally divided when it comes to understanding differences and not even that but they percieve things in a ignornant way. I learned alot just by working with them; mind you that I was working for the city and at my job I was the only black person..why??? I think they only chose me for the job because they seen that I was mixed. Im not discounting myself, Im just saying that my color do have a determination on what job I get. Anyone who disccount that fact is lying to themselves. Anyways I got a another job already making homemade chocolate..yummy!!
I also stop talking to J, or he stop talking to me. Either way he haven't called me in a week, which just prove to me that when he said he loved me he was lying. I did love him but not more than my boyfriend. I realize that when I stopped focusing on me and J. I think my boyfriend knew I was cheating but didn't have any proof. I could tell tho by the way he start treating me. He start giving me more attention, which was the main thing I was asking for. i love my boyfriend because he knows me so well and accept me for who I am, not for what he want me to be. I know I have expectations for him in our relationship but I also know that regards if I try not to have any, there will still be some and that its ok ...its ok that i want him to better himself, just like he wants me to better myself. . . . . . I also realize that I was truly wrong for my selfish ways that lead me to disregard the consequences of my actions. I pray that I don't have to learn this again.
How i feel about J, truly.... . hes too young, in so many aspects. He know the words of God but have yet to take them into actions. He's ignorance to his own actions was apparent to me. He still havent learned how to speak ( meaning..he not fast to listen but fast to speak, when its suppose to be the opposite). I don't know how many times I tried to explain my situation and my loyality to my boyfriend and yet he still tried to push the limits of my avaliablity to him. I must say that he showed me so much love and how much he might care but the way he loved me was young. He also was too quick to get mad and too quick to walk away. Often young ppl believe if they walk away that the situation would dissolve itself but in actuality it worsen.

all I have left is this poem i written about him..half is when we were together and the other half is when we stop talking. He wrote me two poems too. I actually hadn't had a guy write me a poem for some years now,lol...any how here is my poem:

O'how long have I searched for this cosmic metaphysical self,
that will connect to my spirit and my soul,
to where my mind is filled with light,
my heart is filled with love,
and where there's no way to go except above.
Glory to God!! for i have found what I was seeking,
I thank God just for us meeting,
For I have never came across a man like you.
From the first time I looked at you I just knew.
There was something about you...the way you looked at me
the way your eyes looked into me,
letting your spirit truly see.
There were times when I looked into your eyes and seen your light,
Oo! your light that shine so bright!
It can bring on any day without a night.
IT can go through my flesh, just to touch my soul,
as we transcend in contact into the heavens.
Creation of all was made and seee by God
and with that the Lord rules witha iron rod.

never finished but this how I feel now....

So evil is your impulse to hurt,
Love was asked but you decided to curse,
Love, having no bounds was the way it was formed,
but this so-called love you created is only here to scorn,
the truth of words fill up in my mind,
knowing at times things was a lie,
knowing that my dreams only had a certain amount of time,
to question my actions, only leads me to question yours,
If the love we shared was so good why close the door?

I have my reasons but do you truly have yours,
because my selfishness for you was dictated by ignorance more,
and "I know" is far from "Understanding"
so when I actually thought about it and I seen what God was demanding,
for how can I be loyal to two,
so Im going to do what I am told and get rid of u.
Because this "so-called" love is sickening to me,
Never will I be Blind, For now I can see.

How dare you lead me on to believe that this was meant to be,
how shameful I am for the love I gave to thee,
how shamefulI am I gave myself to you,
how shameful I am I let you through,
never did I pretend that this was it...
But I pretended that it was love that I seen through your eyes,
even when I doubted, you filled my heart with lies.
Can I get back the love I gievn to you?
For I need my love more than you do
and just as fast you camme into my life, you walked out,
so what is it that we need to talk about?

How about the nights we shared each-other,
does that matter? Oh! how I cry to God for a answer,
for I feel misused is so many ways.
Even knowing and breaking my own standards.
have I sold my soul to the devil himself?
Chances are unlikely but the cards have been dealt.
No more will I let someone affect me so much,...so fast.
What was seen as a sweet dream is now a living nightmare,
The only thing now, I'm not scared.
For I know better now not to go by how I feel.
So I'm letting go, so to say, letting my skeletons out of the dean,
Cause at times emotions will cause you to sin.
Now that the chapter is over, now I can turn,
I guess you can say that this lesson was a well-lessoned learned.

My King

Well after a week, I made a decision that I want to be with "A." So I started to really talk to only him. "B" is not feeling the situation but I don't care due to lack of respect for me. I went to a event on Friday and kicked it with him and we just been kicking it every since.

Temptation At Its Best

these feelings that I'm feeling

is a attraction that i find most appealing.

like a child tempted with candy

i tempt myself with You.

and know matter how much i fight it

when you touch me i cant help but to get excited.

when you kiss me

These past weeks been crazy in my life. My job takes most of my time during the day. I end up leaving to go out of town for my aunt funeral for a week. I was really hurt by this and still is so I don't want go into details. I don't celebrate Halloween due to religious beliefs but went to a friend party to support...it was o.k I guess.lol. I still been hanging with "A" and "B" whenever I get time. That's situation is going everywhere (its a saying). I still like both but I email B to let him know that I like him but I can't talk to him like that.

Yesterday, after I got off work I went to go kick it with "A" and "B", while we was chilling, talking, laughing, doing what we do. We was talking and "B" said that I like him and "A" and I was like what??? BUT ITS TRUE AND I DO! lol. . . . I never really admit it and I never really denied it either but he knew that was a 'yes. ""A" said that he was going to marry me but I'm really in love with my boyfriend. I really like "A." I feel like we connect more even though I spend most of my time with "B." I try to create that with "B" because I wanted them to have a equal chance and I didn't want to base my feelings on first real interaction. I think my main issue is that he keep reminding me of my boyfriend and I will never be comfortable if I keep thinking about my boyfriend all the time; it's bad enough that I even have these feelings.

Today I kick it with just them and I don't know whats going on. "B" was saying some things that made me uncomfortable and "A" was cool I guess. They both was acted weird today and I'm not sure why. . . I don't want them to think that this is a competition cause its not and they always trying to get me to pick one. "B" seem kind of mad over the fact that I do like "A." What can I do?? I can't control who I like; if I could I wouldn't like anyone except my boyfriend. "B" would look at me to see if I'm looking at "A" or would have a expression on his face when I'm talking to "A" more.

I say I want to treat them equal but they not; I don't want someone who remind me of my dude. I want someone who is totally different and hold certain values or morals. I wish "A" had a phone so I can call him and talk to him. . .not like I don't like talking to "B" but I want to see if me and "A" chemistry is only just surface or can it be more. He had his head on my lap while we watched T.V and his hand under his head on my thigh. . . I didn't mind him touching. . . . . .I usually do, especially with "B."

I know I need to develop my blog but I just don't get the time. I usually good with these things but I'm always busy. I just started three art projects and are in the middle of two paintings. I'm in the middle of this book called "Assassins," that I just lost so now I have to buy it again to finish it; hopefully a used bookstore will have it. I'm currently updating my music on my laptop because I lost alot of music when I clean my desktop. This is long a list but don't worry I get on my computer alot so give me a chance. I'm using this blog as a journal so it has to fit me.

I'm going to leave you with some pictures that I took.

My Life...mmm

My life this past few days been great; I've been going to work everyday and get off and go kick it or go to a meeting, and then go home and spend time with my loveS. I like most of my employers, besides one who had sour feelings because the students wanted me to demonstrate and help them with their project. . .I'm so OvEr it.

I've been talking to "B" and kicking it with "A" and "B". I still haven't figured out who I would choose if I had to. . .I'm so indecisive. I don't know why I can't choose. When I first looked at "B" I didn't look at him like that, I just wonder who he was since he was the only stranger in the room at the time.

I seen "A" before a couple of times. . .now that I think about it I wasn't attracted to him at first. It wasn't until I really looked at him that I thought he was cute. "A" remind of a man who is very respect towards women and would hold his mate to a high degree or a high status of some sort. I find that very attractive, a man who willing to admit he needs a women. When we was kicking it, there was an attraction between us and I think we both felt it but I think he don't want to compete with "B."

I think "B" see how I look at "A" and know there's some type of difference but can't put his finger on it . . . . neither can I. lol "B" is cool to talk to, really down to earth, sexy in a mysterious way,lol. . . .he just that kid who hella chill, funny, and friendly.


I want to be your Queen! (in a serious but joking way)

I want to be the person who's by your side to help you decide,

the only person that don't hold back what they feel and tell you lies.

I can stand on my own but strongest if I was with you

we can conquer all enemies no matter what they do.

When we build our kingdom, and it will forever stand.
Like the Pyrimad of Giza, it will be one of the worlds most beautiful wonders known to man.


Let me be your Queen, and you my King

You be the Lion that rule his throne, that can walk with pride,

stand strong through long strides.

Courageous and loyal,

Gods' child, rooted down to the soil,

in rooted in the African culture, which makes us royal,

give me a crown and I'll help you serve,

stand by your side and never treat you the way you don't deserve.

I want to be your Queen, touching the stars as far as they go

while laying with you as the moon move in the sky that reflects a glow.

how handsome and kind you are, gracious to all...

I want to be your Queen!

DAzed & COnfuSed. . .

Today was a very productive day since I got all business handle so I can start work tomorrow. The closer I get to start working I feel more nervous. I pray that I have a good day and like all my co-workers. I know it may seem like alot but really it not much. After I got done running around,like my head was cut-off like a chicken, I went to my friend house where I met up again with "A" and "B." I started to help them with there project; we sat talking and joking around, alittle flirting ( with whomever,lol. . .ridiculous I know). I wonder to myself if they have any idea that I'm fond of them both. . .I doubt it. I had them walk me to the bus stop and while we was there "A" told me that I should talk to "B." Of course I act like I didn't hear and start making up excuses, maybe even lies, why I can't when in fact there's only one, which in my boyfriend.
I love my boyfriend and I'm in love with him. . shit I'm crazy about him but. . . it just that I only been with him, like have a adult relationship. . . . . .I know that might seem confusing but I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years, we start dating when I was 19 and became pregnant at 20; I have 2 kids now by him and I live with him. We are not married and that's the main thing problem. I know I'm young (24) and people have to mature and comes to their enlightenment in life but if we don't get that time to do so, what can you do?? I want to be with him and he wants to be with me but he doesn't realize the commitment he has made to me. We may not be married but I know he would never leave me, I would have to leave him. My thing is I'm religious. .very religious and I have values and morals that I'm in conflict with because I'm living with a man that I'm not married to and I'm having sex with him. I rather do this under Gods' blessing than in sin. Sometimes I rather leave him if he's not willing to marry me, I mean, why should I sell myself short? I know how much I'm worth and I know that any man would be lucky to have me has their wife. I haven't gave him my all, as far as giving him the privileges of a husband but I gave him all my heart. . . I know its sad,lol but I come to realize that my love is also slowing fading due to us not being married. For me, it hurts to know that I can't get my way with this one. He believes in a marriage, he don't believe in divorces ( neither do I) but I feel like he think he going to miss out on something or something going to happen, like me leaving him. I feel that his fears are preventing us on taking the next steps. . . . .sometimes, not all the time, I cry cause I wish I was married. It also prevent me from being fully happy and it prevents me from living a more of a sinless life.
This is why I find myself looking outside the relationship for certain things. . . . . . . .those certain thing??? i don't know,lol, but when I find out I will let you know. . . . I think I'm looking for someone who is willing to make a commitment to me and do me right by it. I also want someone who respect women more. My boyfriend respects me but has his on issues with women due to his mom and the women/ girls he pass dated. . . . . . . . . .I was thinking about telling "A&B" that I like them both but I don't want to start nothing I can't finish and lose two new friends.

I Think I'm Confused, lol

Yesterday I went to my friend house and met up with "A" who was "B." Now I know this may be confusing to you, as it is to me but I think I like "B," We're friends and we been kicking it more. He hella chill, sarcastic..lol, and funny. I kind of realize this when I was in the garage with them. What could I say?? they just both cool peoples. Its just funny because one is a Leo and the other is a Cancer. My boyfriend is a Cancer and his close friend is a Leo. I almost said this last night when I found out but I didn't. "B" was like finish what you was saying..I thought you don't hold nothing back?? I was like its a secret and I told you I don't hold nothing back except secrets. I started to laughing for some minutes just thinking about that and he was looking like you got to tell me. I was like " its nothing." I know from experience and just common sense that its not good to bring up your boyfriend or ex when you talking to another guy ( that's whether you talking talking to them or just friends type of deal). I think he called me sexy too yesterday but I act like I didn't hear it even though I smiled..I guess you can say that its hard to take in compliments ( for some reason, I can't just say thank you and move on).
I don't know what to do in this situation. . . .that's not really occurring,lol. I don't think I would ever cross that line but I never know because most guys that I have talk to never cross my line. It seems that everyone waits for me, while I'm waiting on them. A cycle of games that will probably never end. I would like to think of myself as aggressive; meaning I would approach a guy or make the first move, but that's wouldn't be necessarily true.

Update on "A" lol

On Thursday I had to go to the city but didn't really want to go by myself so I ask my friend if he can come with me. When I met up with him he was with "A". I wasn't too surprised since they hang around eachother. Anyways I found out that he just broke up with his girlfriend. I was kind of happy but also bad..... I think,. . . well I almost wished he didn't go with anyone and now he don't. I planned on going and drinking with weekend and so I was asking my friend and "A" what they plan on doing; in the middle of the conversation we was talking about drinking and "A" said if he was drinking he will probably ask me to marry him. I was thinking in my head 'I probably say yes" lol.
Each time I hang around him or talk to him I find myself more curious and I find myself stuck at a dead end all because of myself, but at the same time I don't want to past up a opportunity. I can definitely say you can't choose the people who like. I have tried many times and it doesn't work. You may not like them when you first meet them but those are the ones you need to look out for; the ones that became your friend. One day, you will look at them with the thought of all the good qualities you would look for in a man, and see it in them.

Something That Will Never Be...

I been thinking these past 2 weeks about this guy that I know who I like, the only thing is holding me from pursuing him is the fact that I have a boyfriend. Sometimes I wish this was a different lifetime so that I can pursue people I actually like and not just attracted to. It's crazy though, because he goes with someone and I really respect that but more and more I find myself flirting...now I'm not flirting flirting. He's really cool tho, very respectful, very down to earth, funny, and nice.
I was kind of hoping that he didn't like me so it can be easier for me to get over him but this not the case. Over the last couple of days, I would look up and see that he's staring at me...not looking just because I'm talking or to see if I'm listening but because its something there. I remember a couple of times I would find him looking at me, and I liking him, would look back.... but we both admiring eachother from a distance.
Last night we went out with some friends. I never really dance with anyone unless I like them. So I was dancing by myself but I was in front of him and didn't realize how close cause the next thing you know , we're dancing. I felt kind of weird since he goes w/ someone and I do too but I didn't see the harm in dancing. I think this was too much cause I found him looking at me more and I found myself looking at him more. Any how, I end up going outside to smoke with...let called him A' ....so I end up going outside with A' and my other friends to smoke .We end up seating next to eachother and we all start talking and stuff and I said something about my boyfriend. When we went back to the party I thought A' came in but he end up going home. I thought about it but I don't want to assume too much. Its crazy cause if I like someone and I don't want myself to be attracted to them so I will ignore them and try not to pay attention to them but then I get in a situation where words are unneeded cause we both knew.
I will definitely let you know where this lead..hopefully to no where unless we both break up w/ our spouse but I don't think that's going to happen since we both live with them. Until next post.

A Poem As I Go. . .

Across mountains through rivers and streams,

over the ocean lies  a passionate dream..

Filled with light and at time ecstasy

I close my eyes and often wonder off into this dream

hoping for one day when my life will come to be.

And though, I know its just a dream. . .

For reality is in existence at all times, and all of days

and the one I want is always taken away.

 

I go through the wilderness to find this special one,

one as in the number, key to life, stands firm and holds tight.

 

I run through fields of distant lands and fly to the highest stars above,

stretching my arms just to get a hint  or even a glimpse of love.

how much I want to look into your eyes and kiss your lips

and you hold me tight and tell me all that I missed. .

I need you to let go of her and I let go of him ..

so that one day we come together without thinking of them.

This imbalanced is killing my soul,

piercing from knifes and bruises from stones. . .

love have no boundaries, no limits

but we mere humans..have rules, and our last days goes down as minutes,

If I have a glimpse of you now it will be a delight,

like eating the sweetest fruit, or looking at the stars while the Sun beams its light. .

A treasure that is unseen but could be created by the someone.