Finally A Break N Life...poem

I currently stop working at my last job due to them firing me over my attendence, and let me just say that it was totally bullshit. White ppl (some) are so fake. They act like they like you but then say negative things about you. I was a hard worker, doing the most that I can do and trying to get to know my coworkers but what I oberserved was that regardless of MY efforts, white ppl are just too culturally divided when it comes to understanding differences and not even that but they percieve things in a ignornant way. I learned alot just by working with them; mind you that I was working for the city and at my job I was the only black person..why??? I think they only chose me for the job because they seen that I was mixed. Im not discounting myself, Im just saying that my color do have a determination on what job I get. Anyone who disccount that fact is lying to themselves. Anyways I got a another job already making homemade chocolate..yummy!!
I also stop talking to J, or he stop talking to me. Either way he haven't called me in a week, which just prove to me that when he said he loved me he was lying. I did love him but not more than my boyfriend. I realize that when I stopped focusing on me and J. I think my boyfriend knew I was cheating but didn't have any proof. I could tell tho by the way he start treating me. He start giving me more attention, which was the main thing I was asking for. i love my boyfriend because he knows me so well and accept me for who I am, not for what he want me to be. I know I have expectations for him in our relationship but I also know that regards if I try not to have any, there will still be some and that its ok ...its ok that i want him to better himself, just like he wants me to better myself. . . . . . I also realize that I was truly wrong for my selfish ways that lead me to disregard the consequences of my actions. I pray that I don't have to learn this again.
How i feel about J, truly.... . hes too young, in so many aspects. He know the words of God but have yet to take them into actions. He's ignorance to his own actions was apparent to me. He still havent learned how to speak ( meaning..he not fast to listen but fast to speak, when its suppose to be the opposite). I don't know how many times I tried to explain my situation and my loyality to my boyfriend and yet he still tried to push the limits of my avaliablity to him. I must say that he showed me so much love and how much he might care but the way he loved me was young. He also was too quick to get mad and too quick to walk away. Often young ppl believe if they walk away that the situation would dissolve itself but in actuality it worsen.

all I have left is this poem i written about him..half is when we were together and the other half is when we stop talking. He wrote me two poems too. I actually hadn't had a guy write me a poem for some years now,lol...any how here is my poem:

O'how long have I searched for this cosmic metaphysical self,
that will connect to my spirit and my soul,
to where my mind is filled with light,
my heart is filled with love,
and where there's no way to go except above.
Glory to God!! for i have found what I was seeking,
I thank God just for us meeting,
For I have never came across a man like you.
From the first time I looked at you I just knew.
There was something about you...the way you looked at me
the way your eyes looked into me,
letting your spirit truly see.
There were times when I looked into your eyes and seen your light,
Oo! your light that shine so bright!
It can bring on any day without a night.
IT can go through my flesh, just to touch my soul,
as we transcend in contact into the heavens.
Creation of all was made and seee by God
and with that the Lord rules witha iron rod.

never finished but this how I feel now....

So evil is your impulse to hurt,
Love was asked but you decided to curse,
Love, having no bounds was the way it was formed,
but this so-called love you created is only here to scorn,
the truth of words fill up in my mind,
knowing at times things was a lie,
knowing that my dreams only had a certain amount of time,
to question my actions, only leads me to question yours,
If the love we shared was so good why close the door?

I have my reasons but do you truly have yours,
because my selfishness for you was dictated by ignorance more,
and "I know" is far from "Understanding"
so when I actually thought about it and I seen what God was demanding,
for how can I be loyal to two,
so Im going to do what I am told and get rid of u.
Because this "so-called" love is sickening to me,
Never will I be Blind, For now I can see.

How dare you lead me on to believe that this was meant to be,
how shameful I am for the love I gave to thee,
how shamefulI am I gave myself to you,
how shameful I am I let you through,
never did I pretend that this was it...
But I pretended that it was love that I seen through your eyes,
even when I doubted, you filled my heart with lies.
Can I get back the love I gievn to you?
For I need my love more than you do
and just as fast you camme into my life, you walked out,
so what is it that we need to talk about?

How about the nights we shared each-other,
does that matter? Oh! how I cry to God for a answer,
for I feel misused is so many ways.
Even knowing and breaking my own standards.
have I sold my soul to the devil himself?
Chances are unlikely but the cards have been dealt.
No more will I let someone affect me so much,...so fast.
What was seen as a sweet dream is now a living nightmare,
The only thing now, I'm not scared.
For I know better now not to go by how I feel.
So I'm letting go, so to say, letting my skeletons out of the dean,
Cause at times emotions will cause you to sin.
Now that the chapter is over, now I can turn,
I guess you can say that this lesson was a well-lessoned learned.